I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize