OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
