I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize