You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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