I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
