i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
