a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
