dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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