Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Sorry my hands just texted you
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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