I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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