I want to have your abortion
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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