you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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