If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
