My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
