If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
