I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
