i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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