you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
