She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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