One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
