So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
