Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize