A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
