her vagina looked like bernie madoff
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
