So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
