party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So here I am, sexting at work.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize