Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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