Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize