If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
