My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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