People in love make me want to vomit
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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