Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
