Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
