My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
