if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
