Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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