Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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