I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
