Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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