I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
