so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
