My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
