Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
