At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
