what day is it and did you see me today?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
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