When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
