one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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