forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
