I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
