So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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