ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
