all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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