i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
