Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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