I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
