My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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