she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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