Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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