she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
