Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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