This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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